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This page is a transcript for the Season 2 episode Wedding Card. |
Brent Leroy: No way! Darryl Sittler! A Darryl Sittler rookie card in mint condition! It's gotta be worth a fortune!
Emma Leroy: Well I guess it pays to clean up the basement.
Oscar Leroy: Buncha old junk sittin' around the house for years collectin' dust.
Emma: Look who's talking.
Oscar: Huh?
Emma: Oh, Brent, look! Baby pictures. You were so cute.
Brent: I had a big round head, thin hair. I haven't changed a bit.
Oscar: Wait a minute. You meant I'm an old piece of junk that's been sitting around the house for...
Brent: We've moved on, Dad. Hey, how come I never see any old wedding photos of you two.
Emma: Uh...
Oscar: Well, um...
Emma: You didn't know?
Brent: Know what?
Emma: Your father and I, um...
Oscar: Uh, it's just that...
Emma: The, the thing is, uh...
Oscar: We never actually got married.
Brent: What?
Emma: Look, Brent. It, it, it was a, it was a different time. Your father and I were, were young and we could hardly keep our hands off each other and...
Brent: Okay, okay. I'm instantly repressing that.
Hank Yarbo: No way, Brent! You gotta be kiddin' me!
Brent: It's amazing, but true.
Wanda Dollard: I am shocked!
Hank: A Darryl Stiller rookie card?
Wanda: That's gotta be worth a fortune!
Brent: Yeah. Oh, and I also found out my parents were never married.
Hank: Really? That's also interesting. Can I see the hockey card?
Wanda: Oscar and Emma were never married?
Brent: Apparently.
Wanda: Wow. You're actually a bastard.
Brent: I guess I am, although I prefer the term "love child."
Hank: Hey, wait a minute. Didn't this used to be my hockey card? Yeah, I lost that whole pack to you playin' Knuckles.
Brent: So you admit you lost it fairly in a legally binding schoolyard game?
Hank: Well, yeah. I'm just like...
Brent: Yoink!
Hank: It doesn't really seem fair.
Wanda: What do you expect? He's a bastard.
Brent: Love child!
Oscar: Stupid ketchup.
Karen Pelly: What?
Oscar: What, what?
Karen: I was gonna let it slide, but I'm curious. How is ketchup stupid?
Oscar: It's spelled wrong. "Catsup." Hah! Hell of a way to run a railroad.
Davis Quinton: You can spell it that way. It's an option.
Oscar: It's a wrong option.
Davis: Ketchup with K or catsup is a legitimate option.
Oscar: Who says "catsup"?
Karen: Who argues with condiments?
Oscar: Cat-sup. Cat-sssssup! Cat-shup! It's beyond me.
Wanda: Guess what? Brent is a bastard.
Lacey Burrows: Oh. No, he can be inconsiderate sometimes, but...
Wanda: No. I mean a literal bastard. Oscar and Emma were never married.
Lacey: No. Where did you hear that? You know, sometimes you jump to wild conclusions. Oscar can't read.
Wanda: What?
Lacey: I saw him sounding out a ketchup bottle. I think he might be functionally illiterate.
Wanda: He's not illiterate. He's barely functional. He's non-functionally literate.
Lacey: Think about it, Wanda. Oscar's quick temper, his crankiness, could all be a defence mechanism to mask his illiteracy.
Wanda: Or he could be quick tempered and cranky.
Lacey: Or you could just be enabling him.
Wanda: I think you need a little more evidence than a ketchup bottle.
Lacey: That's good advice. Thanks for your help, Wanda.
Wanda: I'm not helping you. I'm enabling you.
Hank: Is Knuckles legally binding?
Karen: I don't understand that sentence.
Hank: You know, the game, Knuckles. You put your knuckles together like this, right, and then you, ow!
Karen: I know Knuckles.
Hank: Well, is it legally binding?
Karen: Any game has rules. If those rules are broken, you could have an argument. What happened exactly? Show me.
Hank: Okay. Well, Brent and I, we had our knuckles together like this, right...?
Karen: You suck at Knuckles.
Hank: You weren't playin' fair.
Lacey: Hey. Wanda thinks you're a bastard.
Brent: It's true. I am a bastard.
Lacey: Really?
Davis: Your parents were never married?
Brent: Well, I don't mean I'm inconsiderate.
Davis: And you just found out now? How are you holdin' up?
Brent: Well, at first I...
Lacey: Oh, I've got a great idea. You know what you should do?
Brent: I'm not gonna have a big wedding for Mom and Dad.
Lacey: No, no, that's not what I was gonna say. What I was gonna say it that you should get a t-shirt made up that says, "I'm a bastard."
Brent: Oh. Well, now you're talkin'.
Davis: The thing about a wedding is to not let it get too big, 100, 150 people, tops. After all, it's Oscar and Emma's day. Well, it's really not their day, it's their friends' day. But they should have a say.
Hank: This should be mine.
Brent: I should be taller. But what are ya gonna do?
Hank: I'll play you again for it, double or nothin'.
Brent: Now why would I do that?
Hank: It wasn't fair. See, my hands were like this, right? And...doh!
Brent: You owe me another Sittler.
Hank: Ungh!
Davis: Come on. It could be beautiful.
Emma: No, Davis.
Davis: I'd take care of everything, music, catering. We could make an arch out of daisies.
Oscar: Daisy arch? You'll never get me under those death traps.
Emma: This is getting completely out of control. There's not going to be a wedding.
Davis: Why not?
Emma: Would you marry Oscar?
Davis: Look, it's none of my business, but Brent's really broken up over this.
Emma: Really?
Davis: His whole world shattered.
Brent: Hee, hee, hee.
Hank: Ungh!
Brent: Hee, hee, hee.
Hank: Ungh!
Emma: He'll get over it.
Davis: All right, fine. It's your decision. It's a shame, though, cheating yourself out of all those wedding gifts, a toaster, bread maker, power drill.
Davis: Everybody, Oscar and Emma are gettin' married!
Brent: Ow!
Hank: Hah-hah! Hah, ha, ha, ha.
Lacey: Hey, Oscar. How are the wedding plans?
Oscar: I'm stayin' out of it. Emma's the one who is excited. You know, women.
Davis: Now, obviously, the real cake will be much bigger. The little plastic bride is wearing white, but we'll tackle that one later. Now I'm just gonna go ahead here and raise a touchy subject. Chocolate fondue. Now I know it can be tacky, but I think, with the number...Emma? Well, hurry back! We have to meet the confetti guy at 3:00.
Lacey: That's great. Oscar, did you drop this?
Oscar: What's this?
Lacey: It says "The Happy Little Train." The Happy Little Train.
Oscar: Oh. It's not mine. Some kid's book. One of these trains has a moustache.
Lacey: Yeah. The pictures are nice. But why don't you read the book and later we'll talk about it.
Oscar: Oh! A moustache on a train.
Lacey: Yeah.
Hank: So how ya treatin' my hockey card?
Brent: It's my hockey card. Besides, you owe me 300 Darryl Sittlers by now.
Hank: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get ya later. But that hockey card is mine. Do you remember when we played that game? Huh? We were eight years old. Hey. Who are those kids?
Brent: I don't know. You were saying?
Hank: Oh, right. I want my hockey card back.
Lacey: Keep trying, Oscar. You can do it.
Hank: I just don't know how you can hold onto something that isn't rightfully yours.
Wanda: Hah. You seem fine hanging onto that 20 bucks I lent ya, a year and a half ago.
Hank: You're ignoring the spirit of the game, Brent. I never flinched. I winced. A wince is just a wince.
Brent: A sigh is just a sigh.
Hank: What?
Brent: Look, give me a break, OK Hank? I have to throw a stag party for a 63-year-old man, who's my father.
Hank: I know. I'm just saying there's a difference between a wince and flinch.
Wanda: What's the difference?
Hank: I'll show you.
Brent: Don't.
Hank: Okay, this is a...ooaaah! Mmmph!
Wanda: You suck at Knuckles.
Oscar: So Davis can't come to this thing?
Brent: No. Mom said he fell asleep hemming.
Oscar: Listen, if we are gonna do this wedding, I'd be proud if you'd be my best man.
Brent: Aw, geez, Dad. I'd love to.
Oscar: Thank you, son.
Brent: But I can't. I'm givin' Mom away.
Oscar: You're useless.
Brent: Gee, we almost had a moment there.
Emma: What a nice surprise. But you guys really didn't have to throw me a stagette.
Karen: Really? Lacey said we had to. And we want to, it's nice.
Lacey: Yeah, it's good to get away from Hank whining about that hockey card.
Karen: Yeah. But Hank might actually have an argument.
Wanda: What argument? He lost it in a legitimate competition.
Emma: How is Knuckles legitimate?
Wanda: I'll get it.
Lacey: Oh. And the hockey card debate was getting interesting.
Emma: You know, I'm glad you guys kept this low key. Sometimes these things can get out of hand and vulgar.
Karen: More pastry, Emma?
Wanda: It's hot in here. Ooh!
Paul: Lighten up. This is supposed to be a stag and you all look like you're mad at each other.
Brent: Nah.
Hank: I'm not.
Oscar: I am.
Brent: Well yeah, Dad's mad at me.
Oscar: These two are mad over that stupid card.
Hank: It's not stupid.
Paul: Are Oscar and Hank mad at each other?
Brent: Geez, I'm not sure. Are you guys?
Oscar: No.
Hank: No, we're good.
Paul: All right, then. Party on.
Hank: Wanna play Knuckles?
Oscar: I'm gettin' drunk.
Wanda: By definition, flinch and wince are both involuntary muscle contractions.
Karen: They're two different things!
Wanda: No. In Solomon versus Alexin, the Supreme Court ruled that any specific motor function...
Karen: I don't care about court. I am talkin' about how it goes down in the street!
Lacey: What do you think?
Male Stripper: Both arguments have merit.
Paul: Hey! Does that train have a moustache?
Oscar: Yeah. And this one's wearin' glasses.
Paul: That's delightful. Ah, you don't know what you're givin' up, Oscar. The single life, stayin' out late, sitting alone at the bar.
Oscar: Single life? Me and Emma have been together for 35 years.
Paul: Sure, you've been playin' house, but it's not the same as marriage. Trust me. I've been there.
Oscar: Yeah. I forgot you had a wife.
Paul: Hmm, used to have a wife, and a house. Shoulda got a pre-nup. It's important to put things in writing.
Oscar: I need your help.
Lacey: You do? Oh, yes. Yes, that's good. I'd be happy to help, Oscar.
Oscar: I just think that I'd be more comfortable if I was able to put things in writing.
Lacey: Oh. I knew it. Oscar, I am behind you all the way.
Oscar: Oh, well that's great to hear.
Oscar: Lacey says we should get a pre-nup.
Emma: What? You ungrateful...
Oscar: Now, hey, hey. Just wait a minute. Aaaooh!
Davis: What happened?
Hank: Why do we need a wedding rehearsal anyway?
Brent: It's a longstanding wedding tradition, like drunken uncles. It probably goes back to the Victorians.
Hank: Did they invent that Chicken Dance too?
Brent: That was the Spanish Inquisition.
Hank: Oh. What are they rehearsing? They get married, we watch. It doesn't take a lotta skill. Not like, say, uh, scoring a goal against Czechoslovakia in overtime and winning the '76 Canada Cup.
Brent: You're not gettin' the hockey card.
Wanda: But that's the entire point of the game, to make your opponent flinch.
Karen: I know the law, Wanda and that hockey card belongs to Hank.
Wanda: You figure you know the law because you're a cop, in Dog River?
Karen: I also watch Law and Order!
Oscar: You pushed me.
Emma: You fell.
Oscar: Well, you were gonna push me.
Emma: When did I ever push you?
Brent: Hey, how's the happy couple?
Emma: Oh. You mean us.
Oscar: What do you care, Mr. Give Away The Bride?
Hank: You know what you should give away?
Brent: I'm not giving you the hockey card. Look, I'm sorry about the Best Man thing, it's just that Mom asked first and, more importantly, I like her better.
Oscar: Well, ya left me in the lurch. No one else is available.
Hank: I could do it.
Oscar: Not a single person.
Hank: I could be Best Man.
Oscar: The lurch, that's what I'm in.
Lacey: Hey.
Oscar: I'm not talking to you. You broke my neck.
Lacey: What?
Hank: This whole stupid wedding was her idea.
Lacey: What? How was it my idea?
Hank: And now even Karen and Wanda are arguing about something.
Wanda: The Statute of Limitation clearly states that the date of accrual begins with the discovery of harm.
Karen: Oh! If somebody stole my hockey card, he'd discover harm, all right!
Davis: And then after the champagne waterfall, we move outdoors for fireworks.
Minister: Well, your friends certainly are lucky to have you to help organize all this.
Davis: Yeah. Friends help friends. This is a pretty friendly community. We're a little early. Wanna grab a coffee?
Brent: Look Hank, I've been thinkin' a lot about this hockey card thing.
Hank: Me too. It's ruining a good friendship.
Brent: Karen and Wanda's.
Hank: Yeah. It's all the fault of that damn hockey card.
Brent: Curse you, Darryl Sittler!
Darryl Sittler: Ow! That's the third time I've done that. It's like I've been cursed.
Brent: We gotta find a way to make all four of us happy.
Hank: Oh, I know. All we gotta do is get three more of those Darryl Sittler rookie cards, huh?
Brent: Good. You're playin' this simple, yet impossible. Geez, are we in the right place?
Hank: They've turned it into gay bar.
Brent: Again with the gay bar.
Oscar: Excuse me, everybody. Most of you already know that Emma and I had a sort of misunderstanding, mostly because of some bad legal advice.
Lacey: What?
Oscar: Well, I take responsibility for my mistakes. So I would like to read something, sort of an apology.
Lacey: No. Oscar, don't embarrass yourself.
Oscar: You're right. Why should I apologize? It's your fault.
Lacey: Well, that's not what I meant. Oscar knows what I mean.
Emma: Oscar, Lacey knows?
Lacey: Well, it's pretty obvious, Emma.
Emma: Now that it's out in the open, I guess I'm relieved.
Hank: Could you tell us what's goin' on?
Oscar: This is so embarrassing. Maybe Lacey will tell them.
Lacey: Well, sure, Oscar, I'll tell them. Everyone, Oscar can't read. You think that's funny, that an old man can't read? Okay. I guess on one level it is kinda funny. But...
Brent: Lacey, Dad can read.
Lacey: No. No, you're all just enabling him. I'll prove it to you. Oscar was gonna read this apology. Well, there's nothing written on it, except for "Dear, Emma, I'm sorry. I love you," and then it goes on. Oh, Oscar, you can read.
Oscar: Of course I can read. I was wondering about you, though, with your Happy Train books.
Lacey: Oh.
Wanda: Geez, Lacey, if only someone had told you.
Lacey: Well, I made a complete fool of myself. I hope they don't write about this in the Howler.
Wanda: Nah, the big story's the new Bylaw.
Lacey: Oh, yeah, that's right.
Emma: I'd like to say something, too. First of all, I'd like to thank Davis. I don't know you managed all this with the money we gave you. You would think he had spent half of next year's police budget on our wedding.
Davis: Ha, ha, ha.
Emma: A wedding is wonderful event. But, as you have seen, it can also be a swirling, screeching Hell on Earth. Ah, I guess what I'm saying is that Oscar and I were legally married 35 years ago.
Oscar: Goodbye power drill.
Emma: It's a bit embarrassing. We eloped and, for reasons that are better left unsaid, we didn't want anyone to know about the wedding.
Davis: I think Emma should say the unsaid reasons.
Emma: It was the Sixties. It was a different time.
Brent: Oh, no. It wasn't one of those hippy weddings?
Emma: No.
Oscar: That would be the day.
Emma: It was an Elvis wedding.
Hank: Well, that's not so bad, being married by a guy dressed as Elvis.
Emma: Yeah.
Oscar: Yeah. The guy was dressed like Elvis.
Emma: We vowed we'd never show anyone those wedding pictures. That's why we made you all think we weren't married.
Brent: Or you could have said, "We lost the photos." Mind you, that wouldn't have been as scarring, emotionally.
Oscar: Oh, don't blame me if you can't see through a lie.
Emma: I'm sorry I panicked and fibbed. There's no wedding. Let's eat.
Brent: Finally.
Lacey: Pass me the butter.
Davis: I, uh, have to go check on something in the car.
Brent: Okay, I think we have a deal, here. Hank gets the card and then he sells it back to me.
Karen: I get the satisfaction of knowing I was right.
Wanda: And now Hank has the money to pay back the 20 I lent him, a year and a half ago.
Brent: Agreed?
Hank: Yeah.
Brent: All right. Now let's never speak of Darryl Sittler again.
Darryl Sittler: I feel like I've been shunned.
Wanda: Now gimme my money.
Hank: Oh, I'll get ya later.
Wanda: Bastard.
Brent: I prefer Son of Elvis.
Emma: We should have done this a long time ago.
Oscar: Yep.