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This page is a transcript for the Season 6 episode Shirt Disturber. |
Lacey Burrows: Hey, I thought I'd donate some of my clothes. It's quality stuff, so...
Helen Jensen: Well, old or new, we appreciate any donations. Oh...
Lacey: Oh, wait. I'd actually like to keep that.
Helen: Oh, sure, sure. Oh, yes.
Lacey: You know what? That actually compliments the shirt so I'll take that back too. Actually, is there somewhere where I could just try this stuff on? OK, I like this combination. I'm gonna keep these as well. The rest I'm donating.
Helen: So, you're donating the bag? You took everything back. It's OK if you want to keep them.
Lacey: No, no, I came here to donate some clothes and that's what I'm gonna do. And the jeans.
Helen: Are you sure?
Lacey: Yes. Could I please have five minutes alone with my jeans?
Davis Quinton: Officer Second Class. I got mine when I was 35.
Karen Pelly: I just turned 30.
Davis: Whatever. I'm just saying I don't make a big deal out of it.
Girl: Officer Second Class?
Davis: Actually, that's spotlight's a little off.
Karen: I worked really hard on the course. I think it's nice.
Davis: Whatever you say, Rookie.
Karen: And you can't call me rookie anymore.
Davis: Fine, Senior Rookie.
Wanda Dollard: Look at all the geeks at this comic book signing. It's like "Nerdapolooza."
Brent Leroy: I don't think they're all geeks. I mean, Peter Moore's a pretty respected comic book artist.
Wanda: Ah, come on. They're all middle-aged guys with glasses and no wives and no girlfriends and you're going, aren't you?
Brent: Yeah, he's coming to Regina this Saturday and I'm taking this copy of Dr. Spike and the Doomsday Five. It's the first edition of a limited run. Very rare 'cause of the misaligned registration marks. That came across a little nerdy.
Wanda: A little? It's like I was hit with a "nerdal" wave. And let me guess. You're taking Yarbo the wonder putz.
Brent: No, don't tell Hank. He's always really embarrassing at these things.
Hank Yarbo: Hey. Ah, cool. Vintage Dr. Spike.
Wanda: Hey Brent, why don't you tell Hank about some of your weekend plans?
Brent: Oh, well I'm going to the City for an eye appointment and Wanda has Monday off.
Wanda: Ha, ha, ha.
Lacey: Davis just said that Karen just made Senior Rookie and I thought it would be great if I got her something. Maybe we could go in on a gift together.
Wanda: Your group gifts suck.
Lacey: No, they don't. People love my group gifts.
Emma Leroy: Who's this from again?
Lacey: All of us. It's a group gift.
Wanda: At any rate, I already got her a gift. My gift, one that you can't get in on, that's just from me.
Lacey: Fine, your loss. Hey guys, wanna go in on a group gift with...
Josh and Fitzy Fitzgerald: No.
Davis: Good day sir, hello ma'am. How safe do you feel in your neighbourhood?
Emma: I'd feel safer if we had a police department.
Davis: Oh, Home Guard has partnered with local police forces to offer you not only an alarm but peace of mind. "Smile assuringly."
Oscar Leroy: Pfft!
Davis: "You should now be inside the customer's home." I'm sorry, can I start this over again?
Hank: Hey, you'll never guess who's coming to Regina to sign his latest comic book. Peter Moore! We have to go.
Brent: Hey, wow. How'd you find out about that?
Hank: It was weird. I got this anonymous phone call.
Hank (phone): Hello.
Wanda (phone): Hello...
Hank (phone): Wanda?
Wanda (phone): Oh, ah...this is an anonymous phone call letting you know that Roger Moore, the comic book reader...
Hank (phone): You mean Peter?
Wanda (phone): Yes, Roger Peterson.
Hank (phone): Peter Moore.
Wanda (phone): The comic book guy. He's coming to Regina this weekend.
Brent: Well, too bad I can't go because of my eye appointment.
Hank: I know you don't have an eye appointment, I figured that much out.
Wanda (phone): Also, Brent was lying about the eye appointment.
Wanda: Ha, ha. The hanky trick works great.
Brent: I thought you wanted Monday off?
Wanda: I'll just call in sick. Have fun in the City.
Hank: Why'd you lie to me?
Brent: I don't know. I guess I figured it was the best way to keep you from coming with me. I mean, no offence but you're a bit of a boob in these sort of situations.
Hank: No, that's fair. So, are we taking your car or my truck? That way we can save on gas.
Brent: You never pay me for gas.
Hank: That's how I save on gas.
Oscar: Oh!
Davis: Good morning. Coffee?
Emma: What are you doing here?
Davis: I'm here to prove a point. This could've been a burglar bringing you coffee. Home Guard alarm systems offer you security and affordability.
Oscar: If we buy one of these stupid alarms off you, will you get out of our bedroom?
Davis: Yes.
Emma: Fine, we'll buy one.
Davis: All right! You guys still want the eggs?
Karen: Aw, thanks Josh!
Josh: It's from me and Fitzy.
Fitzy: Group gift. Group hug?
Karen: No.
Lacey: Open my gift next, it's that one. It's an individual gift, I bought it myself.
Karen: Oh...
Lacey: It's a teapot.
Karen: Uh-huh.
Wanda: Now open mine.
Karen: Oh wow, I love it. Thanks Wanda.
Wanda: When I saw it I thought that sweater's so Karen.
Lacey: That's mine.
Karen: You got in on two gifts?
Wanda: No, it's just from me.
Hank: I can't believe we're going to see Peter Moore. Do you think he'll like my impression of Dr. Spike? Hew, hew, hew, hew.
Brent: See, this is exactly the type of stuff I don't want you doing in front of Peter Moore.
Hank: Yeah, I guess it's more like "zooz, zooz, zooz, zoo."
Brent: OK, we're gonna have some ground rules. No impressions, no comments, no questions. In fact, no talking, just wave to him. Show me how you're going to wave. You know what, no waving.
Davis: The number code activates the motion detector and then you have 30 seconds to get out of the house. See, easy as pie. Got it?
Oscar: Got it.
Davis: Good. Now, you give it a try.
Emma: That is easy.
Brent: Holy, Wanda was right. Check out this pack of dweebs.
Comic Book Fan 1: Excuse me, do you guys know where the line starts?
Hank: No sorry, we just got here ourselves.
Comic Book Fan 1: OK, thanks. A lot of nerds here, eh?
Karen: I just love this but it looks expensive. I hope you didn't spend too much.
Wanda: The smile on your face makes it worth whatever I paid.
Karen: Oh, you're a pal, Wanda.
Lacey: I know where you got that sweater.
Wanda: I got it at a store.
Lacey: Yeah, but you left out one detail, a thrift store.
Wanda: I left out a lot of details. It was a white building, linoleum floors, smelled like old cabbage.
Lacey: I donated that sweater to charity, you know? Not to cheap gas station attendees.
Wanda: Cheap? Thrift stores aren't just for cheap people.
Hobo: Do you have a pair of jeans that'll go with this?
Lacey: It's just weird seeing other people wearing my clothing.
Wanda: Oh, so you're fine helping people as long as you don't have to look at the poor slobs that need the help.
Lacey: You don't need help. You're just cheap.
Wanda: Well, if that's the way you feel then I'll just take back this 27 cent tip I was going to leave.
Emma: 1-6-8 and arm.
Oscar: Did you turn off the coffee maker?
Emma: Just leave it.
Oscar: It could explode.
Emma: It won't explode, it's decaffeinated.
Oscar: Open it, open it. I can make it. Come on woman! What did I come in here for?
Emma: Turn off the coffee maker.
Oscar: It's not on.
Emma: Then get out of there.
Oscar: Ah, cheese and cripes!
Davis: There's no doubt you're a Senior Rookie, I know that and you know that. But we're constantly on the move, seconds count. I think we should drop the word "senior."
Karen: It's two syllables, how much time is that going to save?
Davis: It's the difference between life and death. I could be halfway through saying "Senior" and be shot.
Karen: But who'd blame me?
Davis: Aw, dammit. I gotta go. See you in a bit, Rookie.
Hank: Ah man, I can't believe Peter Moore's actually here in the flesh.
Brent: Stay cool, he eats, sleeps and breathes just like the rest of us. So, don't be all freaky and weird.
Hank: We're up, brother.
Brent: Hi Peter, I'm huge. Fan, I mean, huge fan. It's nice to touch you in person. Meet, not touch, not that it wouldn't be nice to touch you. I'm shaking your hand too long. Hey, check this out, Dr. Spike. Meeowerwee!
Comic Book Store Owner: Sir, we have a long lineup here.
Brent: Oh, uh, uh, OK, well ah, catch you on the flip side of the comic book page. OK, well that went better than I thought it would. I was a little nervous but I don't think he noticed.
Hank: Hey, you didn't get your comic signed.
Brent: What? Damn, you threw me off.
Oscar: It just went off. No rhyme or reason. We were out by 30 seconds, right Emma?
Emma: Probably less. I must say, you were pretty slow getting here.
Davis: Well, the alarm company had to notify the police department that there was a break-in. Well, I informed myself.
Lacey: Wanda, I want you to get my sweater back from Karen, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Wanda: Hi Lacey.
Lacey: That is my shirt and those are my jeans.
Wanda: They are? How awkward for you.
Lacey: Are you doing this on purpose?
Wanda: No, it's a small town, not many people so this is bound to happen.
Wanda: And this. Anything else Lacey donated?
Lacey: Those are good clothes. I've worn them to a dinner party and a poetry slam.
Wanda: I can see why, they're really, really comfy.
Lacey: No, you're gonna wreck the bottoms like that.
Wanda: I was gonna make shorts out them anyways.
Oscar: What's the code again?
Emma: It's Brent's birthday.
Oscar: Well, how am I supposed to know that?
Emma: November 6th.
Oscar: January, February, March, April...
Emma: Eleven.
Oscar: There is no eleven on this thing.
Emma: One, one.
Oscar: Ah, damn!
Davis: Now usually you wouldn't set the alarm to move the sprinkler. It's more for longer trips, vacations, times when you can't see the door of the house.
Oscar: What if I'm outside raking the lawn but my back's to the door so I can't see it?
Davis: Don't use the alarm.
Oscar: What if I'm...
Emma: I'm going to go get some groceries.
Brent: Hi, it's kind of funny but I forgot to get you to sign this.
Peter Moore: Who should I make it out to?
Brent: Me.
Peter: Your name?
Brent: Yes.
Peter: What's your name?
Hank: Brent.
Brent: Not now.
Hank: No, he wants your name.
Brent: Just be cool.
Peter: Look, I got a lot of autographs to sign here so if you just...
Brent: OK, if you could just...oh!
Comic Book Store Owner: Sorry, we're going to have to stop the autograph session.
Hank: So to recap, you're cool and I'm a boob.
Lacey: Now you're wearing my blouse.
Wanda: Hey, do you think I like doing this?
Lacey: Yes.
Wanda: No. Maybe a little. But I'm only doing it because I'm so very, very cheap.
Karen: Nice blouse.
Wanda: Oh, you mean this little thing?
Lacey: That's my old thing and she got it at a thrift store. The same place she got that sweater you're wearing.
Karen: You got this at a thrift store?
Lacey: Oh no, she didn't tell you? How awkward.
Wanda: There's nothing wrong with getting a gift from a thrift store. Right Karen?
Karen: No.
Lacey: That's an awkward "no" though, isn't it?
Karen: No!
Davis: Good day ma'am, good day sir. I'm a representative of the Home Guard alarm system and...oh, for crying out loud.
Oscar: I didn't do anything. What about my peace of mind?
Davis: What about mine?
Emma: Here we go. Some skirts, pants, a couple of sweaters, a crimping iron.
Wanda: Sweaters and a crimping iron? Is Twisted Sister doing a show at the Curling Rink?
Emma: No, I'd heard you'd fallen on hard times and I wanted to help you out.
Wanda: Who said that?
Lacey: It doesn't matter who said it. I did. The point is, there's no shame in accepting the charity of good-hearted people when money is tight.
Wanda: Money is not tight, I'm just cheap.
Lacey: Oh, so much pride.
Hank: It's a good thing you didn't take me along for that signing or I might have done something stupid like spilling coffee all over Peter Moore. Oh wait, that was you. Well, at least we got our comics signed. No, we didn't because of you.
Brent: I get it.
Hank: The upside is we didn't get escorted embarrassingly out of the building. No, we managed to fit that in because of you.
Brent: All right, all right. It's not my fault. Who keeps their coffee on a table?
Hank: Hey, isn't the car this way?
Brent: Yeah, but Peter Moore's hotel is this way and we're not leaving town until we get his autograph.
Hank: Oh, good idea. What are you gonna spill on him this time?
Oscar: Well, I hope you're happy. One hour without the alarm and already somebody's stole the crimping iron.
Emma: It's not stolen, I donated it to Wanda.
Oscar: You hear that? Kind of whirring noise.
Emma: You sure it's not your brain starting up?
Oscar: Let's see how funny you are with a killer in the house.
Emma: If I check it out will you stop bugging me?
Oscar: Good idea, I'll wait here.
Lacey: Hey. Someone didn't finish this sandwich so I thought you might want it. They barely touched it, just a little bite off the corner but I cut that off.
Wanda: Aw, how thoughtful. But I'm afraid if I eat it, an hour later you'll want it back again.
Lacey: Oh.
Karen: Hey, Wanda. Word on the street is that you're needy or something so I thought you could probably use this stuff more than I can. Here's your sweater back.
Lacey: Oh, isn't that wonderful, Wanda?
Karen: And here's the teapot.
Lacey: You're giving her my teapot?
Wanda: I don't need any of this, I'm doing just fine. Wanna see my portfolio? Double digit returns.
Karen: Then why are you wearing Emma's sweater?
Wanda: I like the ducks.
Brent: Hi, I wonder if you can tell me what room Peter Moore is staying in?
Motel Clerk: I'm sorry, we're not allowed to give out that kind of information. Apparently, there was a bit of an incident at the book signing. Some crazy fan threw coffee at him.
Brent: I didn't...I mean, thank you. There he is!
Hank: OK, just play it cool.
Brent: Peter!
Hank: Brent!
Brent: I'm not crazy!
Davis: Hey, what are you doing? Reading a book?
Karen: Yeah, I figured I'd study up for my Officer First Class. I'm on a roll.
Davis: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the rush? You just graduated Second Class. You should enjoy this. I say no more books.
Karen: I get the feeling that somebody's threatened by this.
Davis: Threatened? Ha, ha, ha. Why would I be threatened? It's no big deal. I've got my own First Class certificate at home.
Another Girl: Wow, Officer First Class.
Davis: Oh, don't touch it.
Davis: I think you're the one who's threatened.
Karen: By what?
Davis: I gotta answer that.
Davis (phone): Hello.
Oscar (phone): There's someone in the house.
Davis (phone): Oscar, it's nothing. Good bye.
Davis: Now, where were we?
Karen: You were being wrong.
Oscar (phone): They're going downstairs. This is it. Oh, it's just Emma. False alarm.
Davis (phone): Stop calling me. Oscar...
Emma (phone): It's Emma. The house is clear. I repeat, the house is clear.
Brent: Just a quick autograph! I'm a big fan! I have all your comics, we could be friends. I'm not a stalker, I know your birthday.
Hank: Mr. Moore, I want to apologize for my friend. He's not a bad guy, just a bit of a nerd is all. Could you just please sign a comic book for him?
Peter Moore: I'm not doing anything for that lunatic. But I'll sign one for you. You just saved my life.
Hank: Oh, that'd be awesome.
Peter Moore: What was your name again?
Hank: Brent.
Peter Moore: I thought his name was Brent.
Hank: No, that's Hank. Crazy Hank they call him. Bit of a lay about, like to hang out at my gas station. I own a gas station. I'm Brent Leroy.
Peter Moore: Is that with two "R's?"
Hank: I think so.
Wanda: Here you go. I'm donating all this stuff to the Thrift Store because I'm not cheap and I'm not a charity case.
Helen: What a lovely teapot.
Lacey: I'll take that.
Wanda: I don't think so. That would just be weird. Someone I know owning something I donated to charity.
Lacey: OK fine, you made your point. It should go to someone deserving.
Hobo: What a lovely teapot. I'll take it.
Hobo: This the teapot you wanted?
Lacey: Thanks, Al. Here's your sandwich.
Hobo: Hey, why's there a corner cut off?
Oscar: What do you call this thing-a-ma-hooey again?
Davis: It's called a home smart alarm. Karen can show you how it works.
Karen: Sure. You just take the number of people in the house, multiply that by how scared you are, add the number of doors, then press "AC" which stands for active code and there you have it. Zero chance of break-in.
Emma: And it's a silent alarm?
Davis: Oh yeah, it gives off a high-pitched sound that only burglars can hear.
Oscar: That is smart. And it's a Casio. They make good stuff.
Emma: That was close. Thanks, Davis.
Davis: Oh, it wasn't my idea. Thanks the Rookie. I mean, Senior Rookie.
Emma: You guys want a moment alone?
Karen: Yeah, that was plenty.
Hank: Oh, hey Brent. Did you catch him?
Brent: No, he scattered like Cockroach Man in the final chapter of "Doomsday Five."
Motel Clerk: Excuse me sir, Peter Moore left something for you.
Brent: Peter Moore? Are you sure?
Motel Clerk: Yes.
Brent: Unbelievable! He autographed this book!
Hank: Oh wow, awesome.
Motel Clerk: Nerds.
Hank: Ah, what's it, what's it say?
Brent: "To my dear friend Brent Lerroy." Spelled my last name wrong but that's no big deal. "Stay in touch. Thanks for keeping your crazy friend away from me." Ah, I'm sorry pal. I'm sure he doesn't think you're actually crazy.
Hank: Yeah, he's a little off the mark there.