There are a lot of people who don't enjoy your wit.
— Lacey to Brent
At Corner Gas, Brent has an argument with a customer about cheese and insists there's only five types. At the pumps, Lacey has to honk her car horn to get service from Brent. Telling her to get gas herself, she challenges him to offer self-service at a lower price. Haughtily saying people wouldn't get to hear his wit then, Lacey counters that many people don't like it. At the Ruby Cafe, Hank offers to sell his used laptop to Emma and Oscar for $50. Oscar is interested but Emma forbids him to buy it. When Emma leaves, Oscar whispers to Hank he'll buy it from him later. At Corner Gas as Karen reads an unbelievable story in the Howler, Wanda claims she's the best at starting rumours which beings derision from Karen. In front of the Police station, Davis is disappointed to hear that Hank already found a buyer for his laptop. However, when Davis indicates he has $150, Hank changes his mind.
Sasquatch Spotted in Rehab?
At Corner Gas, in order to start a rumour, Wanda tells Helen that Karen scored low on her police IQ test. Helen doesn't believe her until Wanda says she heard it from Emma. At the pumps, Brent puts up signs offering self-service for less than full service. Davis enthusiastically pumps gas himself and doesn't care about talking to Brent. Later at the Ruby, Brent tells Lacey he's concerned about the self-service. She teases that people like paying less to not hang out with him so he challenges her to put self-service in the cafe, which she accepts. In town, Hank meets Karen, passes on the rumour that she's an idiot and says Emma started it. At the Corner Gas pumps, Oscar thinks Brent's a jackass for offering self-service.
Wow, you are slow on the uptake.
At the Post Office, Karen asks Wanda why Emma is spreading rumours about her. Wanda suggests starting one about Emma and offers to help. At the Ruby, Davis is happy to have the buffet and doesn't care about talking to Lacey. At the Foo Mart, Wanda tells Helen that according to Karen, Emma was arrested for arson years ago. At the Ruby, Oscar's angry when Hank says he's selling his laptop to Davis. Hank tells Emma the rumour about her being an arsonist. In front of the Police station, Emma and Karen confront each other about starting rumours and they both realize Wanda is responsible. At the Ruby, Oscar guilts Hank into selling him the laptop for $50. Oscar then takes it to the Police station to sell to Oscar. At Corner Gas, Emma and Karen confront Wanda, who says she'll start a rumour that will fix things.
That doesn't sound like Emma.
At the Ruby, business is booming and Lacey reads a book. Wanda arrives and tells Lacey that Emma and Karen rescued a puppy. Lacey isn't interested in passing the rumour on and relates that the buffet has freed her up. Wanda wants to order lunch but Lacey tells her to have the buffet. At the Police station, after Oscar drops the laptop it doesn't work, so Davis won't buy it. At Corner Gas, Brent asks Dwight and Phil about a conversation they had at the pumps but they're not interested in telling him about it. In town, Oscar lies to Hank that he feels guilty about how he got Hank to give into selling the laptop to him. Hank refunds his money and Oscar calls him a sucker. At Corner Gas, Emma and Karen tell Brent about Wanda's plan to fix their reputations.
You sorta had to be there.
Davis arrives and calling Emma and Karen "Pyro and the Idiot", Brent imagines a sitcom starring them. Davis starts calling Karen an idiot. At the Ruby, Lacey thanks Brent for suggesting the buffet as she's able to interact with her customers more. Brent asks her for ketchup which she tells him to get from the fridge. At the pumps, Brent makes self-service the same price as full service but a customer still prefers to gas his car himself. At Corner Gas, Emma and Karen tell Wanda that her plan isn't working. Hank confirms this as he heard that Karen rescued a puppy that Emma was going to set on fire and the puppy's IQ tested higher than Karen's. At the Police station, Hank learns that Oscar tried to sell the laptop to Davis. Davis insults Karen's intelligence and she asks him to stop.
That's not funny.
At the Post Office, Hank tells Oscar that the laptop works and just needed the battery charged. Oscar buys it back from Hank for $100. At the Ruby, Lacey annoys Emma and Karen by refusing to serve them off the menu and forcing them to use the buffet. Wanda's grown paranoid and tells Emma and Karen that she's watching them to ensure they don't start rumours about her. After coffee runs out on the Ruby's buffet, Mayor Fitzy asks Lacey for some more. She gives him instructions to make it himself and then goes back to talking to Al Goar. Wanda's suspicions have gotten worse and she asks Lacey if she's heard rumours about her cheating in college or having a child with Hank. Lacey sees Brent at the pumps pretending to give his car full service.
Eight scoops, fill the water to the line.
At the Foo Mart, Emma tells Helen they're not going to get Wanda back. Wanda sees the conversation and demands to know what was said, which scares Helen. Pitying Brent, Lacey pulls up to the pumps and asks him for full service which he is excited to provide. Oscar brings the laptop to the Police station to sell to Davis. However, he didn't check if it works when he bought it from Hank. When it fails to boot up, Davis calls Oscar a sucker. At the Ruby, Lacey lauds to all her customers the full service Brent provides. A customer says they want full service at the Ruby and everyone there begins to chant that the buffet sucks. In front of the Ruby, Oscar accuses Hank of swindling him.
Threatening to call the police, Hank invites Davis over and freely admits tricking Oscar. He then gives Davis $25 and they tell a confused Oscar that they rehearsed getting him to buy the laptop back from Hank. At the Ruby as Josh dismantles the buffet, Emma and Karen order from the menu and aren't interested in talking with Lacey. Wanda confronts Emma and Karen about spreading rumours, which they didn't. However, when Wanda voiced her suspicions to Lacey, she passed them on. Fitzy asks Wanda if Tanner is her and Hank's love child while Hank asks her what a plagiarist is. Hank calls Emma and Karen the "Rumour Queens" while Wanda protests that she started the rumours about herself.
You heard it from me. I started it.
The "Cheese Customer" at the episode beginning is uncredited.
Tim Allen, who plays the Self-Serve Customer, had different roles in eleven episodes of the show. This was his final appearance.
Jackass!: Oscar says it twice to Brent about the self-service while Brent says it once, wondering why Oscar called him a jackass.