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This page is a transcript for the Season 1 episode Oh Baby!. |
Brent Leroy: What are you doin'?
Oscar Leroy: Why you gotta go clutter up the counter with this junk?
Brent: They're called impulse items, Dad.
Oscar: Bah. People don't have impulses.
Brent: I'm having one right now.
Oscar: How stupid do you think people are? "Here's 20 bucks for gas" and "oh, what's this, licorice? I know I shouldn't, but I can't resist." Eeaah!
Brent: You had impulse items when you ran the place.
Oscar: Sure, you can trick a kid. Kids are stupid.
Brent: Your days of outwitting seven-year-olds are over. Thankfully now, it's illegal for kids to smoke.
Oscar: What? Since when? Is it illegal for kids to smoke?
Davis Quinton: What am I, a lawyer?
Brent: Hey, is nougat a real thing or did they make that up?
Wanda Dollard: Chocolate is the last thing I want to talk about. My tooth is killing me.
Brent: What, still? I thought you were gettin' that thing yanked.
Wanda: It'll be fine. It only hurts if I, aah! When I... aah!
Brent: When you pronounce vowels? That could be problematic. When's the last time you saw a dentist?
Wanda: Ah, it's been a couple years.
Brent: A couple years ago.
Wanda: Three or four.
Brent: You haven't...
Wanda: '92, okay? It was 1992. Are you happy now?
Brent: Well you should squeeze in a visit every decade or so. Four out of five dentists recommend seeing a dentist. I'm not sure what the fifth guy's thinking.
Wanda: The last guy traumatized me. He was some kind of sadist sicko.
Brent: Come on.
Wanda: He wore a leather lab coat.
Brent: So go see someone else. Nougat, nou-gat.
Wanda: How old are you? Dr. Hertz, Dr. Payne, Dr. Yankem. Not very encouraging.
Brent: You're makin' those names up.
Wanda: Uh-uh.
Brent: Wow! Dr. Payne. I think he fought Spiderman.
Wanda: This one, Dr. Mcgee. That's the psycho I went to last time.
Brent: Mcgee doesn't sound bad.
Wanda: His first name's Lance.
Brent: There, go to this guy. Dr. Samuel Fenwood. Sam Fenwood sounds solid, huh? Type of guy who'd help you build your house. "Hey, Sammy, toss me that hammer. You got it, Brent. Nice toss Sammy. You wanna get a beer after this? Sure, get a beer, watch a game. I like the way you think, Sammy."
Wanda: You in love with this guy?
Brent: Is there a picture of him?
Wanda: If I went, I'd have to get a babysitter for Tanner.
Brent: Well that shouldn't be difficult. I mean he's a bit of a bratty kid.
Wanda: What do you mean bratty?
Brent: You know like a brat, kind of hell spawnish.
Wanda: Do you want to do it?
Brent: What...ding, ding. Oh, someone's at the pumps.
Wanda: Aah.
Lacey Burrows: One chili cheese dog.
Brent: Bless you for puttin' hotdogs back on the menu.
Lacey: You like it?
Brent: Love it!
Lacey: Hah! That's a tofu dog with veggie chili.
Brent: No, it isn't. It's a Maple Leaf top dog, all beef. I compliment your choice.
Lacey: They were on sale. Hey, Wanda, you want some lunch?
Wanda: I want someone to kick me in the jaw.
Lacey: It's so hard to have a regular conversation in this town.
Wanda: I need a babysitter. I gotta go to a dentist in Saskatoon.
Lacey: I bet one of the local gals could help out.
Wanda: Uh-uh.
Lacey: Guys?
Wanda: Uh-uh.
Lacey: There's something attractive about a man who likes kids.
Brent: Well listen, if you're in a bind, Wanda, I could babysit.
Wanda: But you said you were...
Brent: Very, very busy, yes. But I could help out with little Tanner. Tanner's a great kid. I love Tanner. His name's Tanner, right?
Wanda: Yeah. All right, then. Thanks, Brent. I'll go call the dentist. Unless one of you wants to kick me in the jaw? No, seriously, right here. No? Fine!
Lacey: That was really nice of you.
Brent: Well, I'm a problem solver. Hey, you wanna come over later, help me babysit?
Lacey: No way. I hate kids.
Hank Yarbo: Paul, I wanna change my bet. Put my 20 on Ireland.
Paul: You can't change your bets.
Hank: Just put my 20 on Ireland.
Paul: Forget it. You made your bet.
Hank: Fine. Then I lose my 20 and can't pay my tab. So unless you want to give me free beers, put my 20 on Ireland.
Brent: What are you guys watchin'?
Hank: Soccer. You want in on the action? I got a good feelin' about Brazil.
Brent: Nah. I don't know anything about soccer.
Hank: It's a complex sport. It took me quite some time before I understood the subtleties of the game. Hey, what's he doin'? You can't pick up the ball and run with it like that, ya moron!
Paul: Uh, this is rugby.
Hank: Oh. Give me ten on Ireland.
Paul: Hi, Lacey. What can I get ya?
Lacey: I feel like a glass of wine. What's your house red?
Paul: Not sure. Hey, what's it say on that bag of wine? No, that's ketchup. The one beside it.
Lacey: You know what? Beer's good. So, what going on here? You guys betting to see who throws up first?
Hank: There's a lot of money riding on this game. You want in?
Lacey: No thanks, no offense but I find gambling to be a waste of time.
Hank: Translation, she doesn't understand it.
Lacey: Well, it's confusing. OK, for example, if I was gonna bet on this game, what's the underage on the vig?
Hank: Huh?
Lacey: What's the over/under on the outside line?
Hank: Enough yakkin'. I'm trying to watch the soccer.
Lacey: Well, all right.
Brent: That was pretty impressive. You know a lot about gambling?
Lacey: I made up all those words. I think I heard vig on "The Sopranos."
Hank: Oh hey Brent, the Rider's game's on TV tomorrow. You comin' over?
Brent: No can do. I've gotta babysit for Wanda.
Hank: Tanner?
Brent: Yeah, Wanda's kid.
Hank: I got 40 bucks says the kid steals Brent's shoes.
Paul: Fifty bucks that Brent starts crying at some point.
Wes Humboldt: Two to one, he cries before 10:00.
Wade: I'll take that action.
Brent: What? Did you ever babysit Wanda's kid?
Hank: Oh, yeah, once. The kid's a nightmare. How'd she rope you into it?
Brent: Wanda's a friend. She needed help. There was no roping.
Hank: There will be.
Hank: Tanner? Tanner? Ta... No! No, no, no. Put the tail down. Put the tail down. No-oh!
Brent: Ah, Hank?
Hank: Hmm? Oh, man, you got your hands full with that kid!
Brent: He's six. What did he overpower you?
Hank: Hey, I'm not the only one. A lotta folks have been thrown into the pit with Tanner. You see Phil over there?
Brent: Yeah?
Hank: He babysat for Wanda.
Brent: So?
Hank: Watch. Three, two, one.
Brent: What?
Hank: Ever since that night he hasn't been able to go ten seconds without lookin' behind him. Three, two, one.
Brent: Okay, that's a little freaky.
Brent: Hey, Alice. I was wondering if you...
Alice: Ssshh!
Brent: Pardon?
Alice: This is a library. Ssshh!
Brent: We're the only ones here.
Alice: I'll have to ask you to leave if you don't keep it down!
Brent: Okay, all right! Do you have any books on child psychology?
Alice: On what?
Brent: Child psychology.
Alice: Chives on top of me?
Brent: That's right, Alice. I want a book about chives on top of you.
Alice: This is the only book we have on child psychology. It was written in 1969 by Dr. Spearmint Fur.
Brent: I'm not familiar with his work.
Brent: You know you're sweeping gravel, uh?
Oscar: Nobody else is gonna do it.
Brent: Yeah, I wonder why that is. What's next on your list, vacuum the trees? Give these bugs a good polish and wash those rocks?
Oscar: You're smart. "Groovy Parents?" What's that, a hippie book?
Brent: Kind of, I guess. It's about child psychology.
Oscar: It's crap. I could teach ya everything.
Brent: But could you not?
Oscar: The key is keeping them off balance, mentally. They screw with you, you screw with them. The kid pulls a prank, you pull two pranks. The kid gets lippy, you smash one of his toys. Keep 'em on their heels, you know, mentally.
Brent: Yes, I am familiar with your work.
Young Brent: Look, Dad. I got a new gun!
Oscar: Oh, yeah? Look what I got! Want a piece a this?
Brent: I could have sworn I repressed that memory. You're okay looking after the place?
Oscar: I ran the place for 35 years. I can handle it for one night without burning it to the ground.
Brent: In those 35 years there were seven fires.
Oscar: None of those were my fault.
Wanda: Hey, Brent. Thanks for doin' this.
Brent: Oh, no problem.
Wanda: Tanner, your babysitter's here. He should be right down. They yank the tooth at 7:00 a.m. tomorrow, so I should be done by mid afternoon. Oh, here's some phone numbers.
Brent: How come you have police and ambulance listed first?
Wanda: Here he is. Tanner, sweetie, this is Brent. You remember Brent, right?
Brent: Hey, Tanner. How ya doin'? You're gettin' to be a pretty big boy. Well, isn't...isn't that nice. Say, Tanner, do you have a favourite toy, one you can't live without?
Hank: You can't just say "emergency vehicle," you have to specify. He calls "ambulance," he calls "fire department." Who called the cops?
Karen Pelly: I don't wanna be a hard case, but gambling is technically illegal you know.
Hank: It's not gambling, it's probability analysis.
Karen: Probability of what?
Paul: Brent is babysitting Tanner.
Karen: Wanda's kid? Ooo, OK. Ten bucks says fat lip.
Paul: I say stitches.
Wes: Fifty bucks on broken bones.
Hank: Well, come on, you guys.
Wade: Burn to the face, some sort of permanent mark.
Wes: Would the loss of a tooth count as a permanent mark?
Hank: Brent's gonna be okay, though, right? Right?
Brent: Tanner, I brought some popcorn. Do you like popcorn? I brought some movies over. Come show me what movie you wanna watch. Tanner? You're kinda creepin' me out here.
Jane: Here's 20 bucks for the gas. Ooh, what's that? Licorice. Oh, I know I shouldn't. Ah, but I can't resist.
Oscar: Are you bein' smart with me?
Jane: What?
Oscar: My son sent ya, didn't he? All right, you've had your laugh. Now get outta here, smart gal.
Jane: But...
Oscar: I said get out!
Brent: Tanner, you're still here, right? This is just some kinda hide-and-seek thing? I mean you can keep hidin' and I'll keep lookin', but at least let me know you're here. Ow! These are metal, you know? Ah! And sharp.
Paul: There. I'm giving odds on Brent getting two black eyes and a broken nose.
Hank: A broken nose?
Davis (radio): Karen?
Karen (radio): Go ahead.
Davis (radio): I want ten bucks on sprained ankle, no, broken ankle. And 20 bucks if they let me have general ankle injury.
Karen: Okay, do we have general ankle injury?
Paul: I don't know. Oh, we have permanent limp.
Wes: What about concussion? Anybody put money down on concussion?
Hank: No! No-oh-oh! No-oh-oh-oh! No-oh-oh!
Paul: Relax, we got more mayo.
Hank: This is crazy. We should be ashamed of ourselves. Our good friend is in grave danger and we're sitting here trying to profit off his misery. Well, I'm not playin' your sick game anymore. Brent needs my help. Does anybody have a coat hanger? I locked the keys in my truck.
Brent: You've gotta keep the kid off balance mentally, huh? All right. I can do that. The kid wants to play, I can play.
Oscar: $17.21.
Gas Customer #2: $17.20...
Oscar: What the hell are you doing?
Gas Customer #2: Takin' a penny.
Oscar: Right under my nose, plain as day. You got nerve I'll give you that.
Gas Customer #2: It says "need a penny, take a penny."
Oscar: You a communist? Get outta here. I don't need your pinko pennies.
Brent: Neuuoowh! What, you're not scared? I'm Jason, "Friday the Thirteenth." All right, I'm Freddy Kruger, "Nightmare on Elm Street?" I guess six-year-olds don't watch a lot of slasher flicks.
Oscar: Hey, you kids! Put those magazines down. This is not a library. Damn kids got nothin' better to do? Get outta here!
Brent: No, no. Mike Myers is Austin Powers. Michael Myers is the killer from Halloween. Oh, hi, Lacey. What brings you over?
Lacey: I felt bad for bailing on you earlier when you asked for my help. I decided I'd come by and see how things were going.
Brent: It's going okay, I guess. Come on in.
Lacey: Are you sure everything's okay?
Brent: It has been a bit of a challenge, sure, but generally okay. Getting a little tired of the toy cars to the head. Any suggestions?
Lacey: Well, I don't know. I'm no good with kids. Did you ask him not to whip cars at your head?
Brent: Yeah. So he threw a truck. The kid's clever.
Oscar: Geez, hi-tech. Oh, Christ almighty! Oh! Ow! Not my fault.
Lacey: Dr. Spearmint makes a good point here.
Brent: Dr. Fur, actually. Spearmint's his given name. But, all right, let's try it. Tanner, dig this. We have to set up some flexible boundaries, man. Like we'll respect your need for individuality and freedom, but within an elastic embrace of love. We should sit down and rap about your headspace.
Lacey: Ah, come out where we can see ya, ya little puke. Ya, ya cute little puke.
Brent: Hurts, don't it?
Lacey: Why do they make cars outta metal? They should know there's a certain percentage of children that are evil. I don't know, Brent, you might be in over your head with this kid. Have you called Emma?
Brent: I'm not gonna phone my Mom. I should be able to handle this. I'm a grown man, he's six.
Emma (phone): You're a grown man, he's six. Fine. I'll be right there.
Brent: Okay, we'll hole up in here till the cavalry comes.
Lacey: Mustang GT.
Brent: No, it was a Cobra. That was a Mustang.
Lacey: Geez, how much does Wanda spend on these things?
Brent: Go!
Lacey: You go! This is your mission. I'm only here to help.
Brent: It would help if you go get the door. Fine!
Lacey: Hurry!
Brent: Hah, you missed! What, your arm gettin' tired?
Emma: Unbelievable! Can't control one small child. Have you got any moths that need swatting while I'm here? And Lacey's with you.
Lacey: Hi, Emma. We're camping?
Emma: Two adults and the kid's got ya shivering on the floor like a couple a wet puppies.
Brent: Well this is no ordinary kid, Ma. This kid is dangerous!
Emma: So am I.
Brent: Told ya she was good.
Davis: Tryin' to steal your own truck? You're not exactly Lex Luthor, are ya?
Hank: I locked my keys in the truck. Brent's in trouble!
Davis: Ankle?
I don't know. But I gotta help him. You're a cop, Davis, you must know how to do this.
Davis: Okay, listen up. The first thing you gotta know, your passenger window is open. Hope that helps.
Hank: Thanks, Davis.
Emma: What time is it?
Lacey: 9:28.
Emma: Perfect. Watch and learn. Tanner Vincent Dollard, in two minutes it'll be 9:30. If you are not in bed by 9:30, I will be coming upstairs and I won't be coming empty handed. Was that so hard?
Lacey: How did you do that?
Emma: Two key elements. Use their whole name. They hardly ever hear all three of their names, so it kind of puts them off balance.
Brent: Mentally?
Emma: Exactly. Second, give them an open-ended threat, nothing specific. That way their fertile little imaginations fill in the gap with the worst thing they can think of.
Brent: Whoa, I just got a chill.
Young Brent: Look out! Smash! Bam!
Emma: Brent Herbert Leroy, you get your tail in bed or you won't like what happens next!
Vampire: Which is the kid's room?
Emma: A child's imagination is their strength and their weakness.
Brent: You're like Yoda.
Emma: I don't know what that means.
Brent: Hey, thanks again for comin' over.
Lacey: No problem. I just wish I could have been more help.
Hank: Brent! Brent! Are you okay?
Brent: I'm fine, Hank. He's a six-year-old kid.
Hank: Where is he? He could be watchin' us right now.
Brent: Ah, relax. He's upstairs asleep.
Hank: Yeah. Really? That's impressive. How'd ya do it?
Lacey: He called his mommy.
Hank: He called Wanda?
Lacey: No, he called his mommy.
Brent: No, I thought she might be lonely with Dad running the store.
Hank: Hmm, Brent called Emma. That was your bet, wasn't it?
Lacey: Yep. Fifty bucks on Brent calls Emma. Three-to-one odds, that's 150 bucks. You know, I'd take a car to the head any day for that.
Brent: Lacey Esther Burrows!
Lacey: That's not my middle name.
Brent: Charlene? Gerdie? Sunshine? Fern?