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This page is a transcript for the Season 3 episode Fun Run. |
Paul Martin: Good evening, Canada. I'd like to take this opportunity to address the nation in regard to some important issues. As you know, we live in a country that is...
Brent Leroy: Um, excuse me.
Martin: Oh, hi, Brent.
Brent: Hello, Mr. Prime Minister. Um, I'm just kinda wondering what you're doing.
Martin: Well, I, I'm speaking to the nation. I'm addressing Canada.
Brent: Oh. Hello, Canada. Um, is this something you have to do right now?
Martin: Is now a bad time?
Brent: Sort of, for me, anyway. I kinda had the next 30 minutes planned out.
Martin: Look, couldn't you do your thing later?
Brent: This is really the only half hour in the week they let me do anything. The rest is pretty much Canadian Idol.
Martin: But what about my message?
Brent: Um, you could do a mass emailing. You could "cc" the nation.
Martin: You know, I like the way you think.
Brent: Really? Well, you, you could make me minister of something.
Martin: I gotta go.
Hank Yarbo: Look at this guy, Brent. There's a guy makin' a difference, someone doin' somethin' with his life.
Brent: What are ya on about?
Hank: You know, I've been thinkin', I don't contribute to society.
Brent: Sure you do. You're a morale booster. By contributing nothing, you make everyone else feel good about themselves.
Hank: That's not good enough anymore. I, I wanna start giving back. It's time I reached out with a selfless spirit to the people of this town. Anytime, Gramps!
Emma Leroy: Look, I told you, you can't park here.
Oscar Leroy: Oh, we can now. I got the special plates. I pulled a fast one on Doc Russell.
Oscar: I can barely move. My back is in such pain.
Doc Russell: Works for me. Just sign this form.
Oscar: Whoops. There ya go.
Emma: People who use these plates have something wrong with them, more wrong with them.
Oscar: Who cares? Now we can park close to things.
Emma: Where are we, Manhattan? We always park close to things.
Oscar: Gotta think ahead.
Emma: Try thinking, period.
Hank: Well, I did it. I signed up to be the crossing guard. And you never thought I'd do it.
Brent: You're right, I didn't, mainly 'cause you never said you were gonna do it.
Hank: In your face!
Karen Pelly: Well, normally I'd say that's good, Hank, but I don't think it is good, so I'd be lying.
Hank: Wow. I was inspired by Mr. Stevens, the crossing guard. Everyone he helps across the street looks up to him.
Karen: That's because they're kids. They're short.
Hank: It's sad he's hangin' up the sign, though. He was so good with those kids.
Pete Stevens: That's a 26 of vodka, a mickey a gin, and a six pack. That'll be eighty bucks.
Teen: Eighty bucks?
Stevens: Smokes don't grow on trees.
Hank: I don't know what those kids are gonna do without him.
Oscar: So that's one 26'r of vodka, a mickey a gin, and a six pack. Gimme a hundred bucks.
Teen: Mr. Stevens only charged eighty.
Oscar: Look, you wanna talk or get gooned?
Lacey Burrows: Well, aren't you lookin' sporty.
Wanda Dollard: Eh, I'm trying to train for that 10K Fun Run.
Lacey: Oh, you're running. Good for you.
Wanda: What, are you saying I'm fat?
Lacey: No! No! No, I meant I'd like to get back into running. Hey, maybe we should run together, start a group.
Wanda: What's in it for me?
Lacey: Motivation, companionship, maybe even a little friendly competition.
Wanda: Hey, I'll do it anyway.
Wanda: I'm glad you talked me into this. It's kinda nice having someone to run with.
Lacey: Yeah. And to talk to.
Wanda: Let's go!
Lacey: Oh!
Davis Quinton: Oh, hey, Emma. Your car's parked illegally in a handicap spot.
Emma: Oh, that's Oscar. Apparently he's handicapped now because of his back.
Davis: Really?
Emma: Yeah. He told Doc Russell he was all in pain, so he got the special plates.
Davis: Must be pretty bad. Those plates are hard to get.
Davis: I think I have a problem with my hip flexor. It would really help me if I could park close to stuff.
Doc Russell: In 25 years as a doctor, that's the biggest crock I've heard.
Emma: Personally, I think he's lying.
Davis: Yeah. How could that be the biggest crock?
Hank: Whoa. Easy. Okay, you can cross now.
Brent: I'm sorry about this.
Hank: Okay, you can go now.
Driver: I'm still filling up.
Brent: Oh, I'll get it.
Hank: Ah, wait for it.
Karen: He doesn't look handicapped.
Lacey: Well, he's probably just putting on a brave face. Let's not mention anything. He might be sensitive about it.
Oscar: Hey, look at me. I'm disabled.
Wanda: Acceptance is the first step. Good for you, Oscar.
Lacey: You okay?
Oscar: Yeah, it's just my back, flares up every once in a while.
Wanda: My aunt has a bad back. It's terrible.
Oscar: Sometimes the pain's too much.
Wanda: No. I meant listening to her go on about it.
Lacey: You just sit down. I know how you feel. I'm in a bit of pain myself. Running is not as easy as I remember.
Karen: And you're not that young anymore.
Lacey: I'll get you some coffee, straight away.
Oscar: Thank you, handicapped plates.
Brent: Okay, it's stop and go. How much practice do you need?
Hank: What, what about cars comin' from the other direction?
Brent: Unnecessary. Clearly you've got the gift.
Hank: Yeah, but that test is comin' up. I need to know it backwards and forwards.
Brent: How does backwards help you?
Karen: Hey, Oscar!
Oscar: What?
Karen: I knew it.
Wanda: That his name's Oscar?
Karen: No, he doesn't have a bad back. See how he turned when I yelled.
Wanda: That's proves he's not deaf.
Karen: Oh.
Oscar: Smarty pants. Thanks. At least someone's my back, my bad back. I wanted cream.
Lacey: Oh. I'll get it. You just relax. You shouldn't make fun of him.
Karen: I wasn't making fun. I was being skeptical of his disability.
Wanda: Plus it's Oscar. We're not talking about a sympathetic character here.
Lacey: But like you said, none of us are that young anymore.
Wanda: She said you're not that young anymore.
Lacey: Still, I think we should be sympathetic to those less capable.
Oscar: Hey, slowpoke, chop-chop with the cream.
Wanda: Come on. You heard Gimpy McGoo.
Supervisor: Okay, there's a car comin' and a child waitin' to cross. What do you do? Very good. Okay, this time there's no car comin' and no child wants to cross. Very good. You pass.
Hank: Yes!
Oscar: Oh, yeah. Havin' a great day.
Brent: I didn't ask.
Oscar: Just drove to Weyburn and parked right in front of the bakery, right in front.
Brent: Oh yeah? Did you get any of those cinnamon buns?
Oscar: No.
Brent: Butter tarts?
Oscar: No.
Brent: Lemon loaf?
Oscar: No.
Brent: Did you get any bakery related items?
Oscar: No, nothing. But I could park right in front.
Brent: Wow, these handicapped plates are really somethin', uh?
Oscar: Being disabled, best thing that ever happened to me.
Emma: What's with the nose?
Hank: Oh. It's just somethin' us crossing guards use.
Emma: I thought it was lifeguards.
Hank: A guard's a guard, Ma'am.
Emma: I'm going to the city. Maybe I could get you a life jacket.
Hank: Oh, I'm, I'm fine. But, but let me help ya.
Emma: Oh, that's okay.
Hank: Okay, you can cross now, Ma'am.
Emma: But my car's this way.
Hank: Anytime, Ma'am.
Emma: I want to go this way. Get away from me!
Lacey: So what you listening to today?
Wanda: A mix. Sum 41, Jann Arden.
Lacey: Ah, I can't run listening to Jann Arden.
Jann Arden: So the tour bus pulls into Winnipeg and breaks down. It was absolutely terrible. And then I got a sinus infection and the only doctor that was even around was a dentist which...
Wanda: That's not what I meant. Plus, you wouldn't be able to keep up with her.
Arden: So when the tour bus pulled into Winnipeg, it broke down. It was absolutely terrible.
Brent: Where you two goin'?
Lacey: Wanda and I started a running club.
Brent: Ah, that explains the threads.
Lacey: Threads? What are you, some sorta '60s beatnik?
Brent: No, that's a common term. So what other cats are in this club?
Wanda: Right now? Just me and Lacey.
Lacey: We're training for the Fun Run.
Brent: Geez, there's two words that don't belong together.
Lacey: Will you please join. Wanda runs really fast and all she does is listen to her music.
Wanda: Mainly sunny.
Brent: Well, let me think about it. No.
Lacey: Karen, will you join our running club?
Karen: Sure. But I'm not very fast.
Lacey: Oh, that's okay. We'll adjust.
Davis: It seems like just yesterday he was able-bodied like the rest of us.
Wes Humboldt: It was yesterday.
Davis: Still, makes you think.
Wes: Hey, Oscar, I can get that for you.
Oscar: What?
Davis: We're here to help. Want me to carry that?
Oscar: What the hell's wrong with Davis?
Other Teen: I knew he'd blow it.
Teen: Go easy on him. He's handicapped.
Emma: Ooh-oooh. Hmm.
Lacey: I guess my favourite part is when I'm running and I think I can't go anymore, and then this calmness kicks in and the pain disappears.
Wanda: Ah, the endorphins. Makes a body feel like it's dipping into a deeper reservoir of fuel.
Lacey: And I slept so well last night. Brent, you should run with us. You'd sleep better.
Brent: Maybe you guys talk about running some more. I'll drift right off.
Lacey: You can joke all you want.
Brent: Okay.
Lacey: But I think you should join. It will be good for you.
Wanda: I've seen you work up a sweat stirring coffee.
Brent: Coffee's hot. That's condensation.
Lacey: Look, maybe you're worried about the competition or looking foolish. But the running group is not about judgement. It's about gettin' out and having fun.
Brent: Ah, you guys make it sound good. You know what? I'll see ya tomorrow.
Lacey: This isn't what I had in mind.
Karen: Yeah. Well, at least Brent can keep up.
Wanda: About 20 minutes.
Karen: Hey, Wanda, have you ever wet your pants on the job?
Hank: Oh, hey, Oscar. I, uh, I heard you're mentally handicapped.
Oscar: I'm not mentally handicapped.
Hank: Oh, right. Sorry. I mean mentally challenged.
Oscar: No! I'm just, I don't know. I got a bad back.
Hank: Oh. Well, let me help you across the street.
Oscar: Don't patronize me.
Hank: I'm not. I, I'm, I'm a crossing guard. I do it for everyone, from the youngest child to the oldest, feeblest man.
Oscar: Okay. No special favours.
Hank: None. Everyone, I am stopping traffic for Oscar, not because he's old and fragile, but because I stop traffic for everyone. It is my duty as your crossing guard and that is why I'm patronizing him.
Oscar: Just treat me normal.
Hank: It's great you want to be treated normal. It's very courageous.
Brent: Hey, that was kinda fun. Next time I think I should stretch more.
Lacey: Okay, you've made your point.
Davis: You're talking about the running group?
Brent: Yeah, it was fun.
Davis: You joined?
Lacey: Brent doesn't actually run. He just sits in his car and follows us.
Brent: It was surprisingly easy.
Davis: Maybe I should get out and do something. I've been feeling all logy lately.
Lacey: Well, we're always lookin' for more runners.
Davis: This is great. And being part of a group means I'll keep at it.
Brent: I dig that, Daddy-O.
Davis: What, are you a hep cat now?
Brent: It's somethin' I'm tryin' out.
Davis: Oh.
Hank: Ah, I'm glad you guys talked me into this. You know, before we started, I could barely go a half hour without stoppin'. Now we drive for an hour, I don't even notice.
Davis: That's what training will do for ya.
Brent: Yeah, gimme some skin.
Davis: I don't think that's workin'.
Brent: Yeah, well...
Lacey: Hey, guys. If you're gonna drive with us in the race tomorrow, you might as well carry our stuff.
Hank: It seems a bit much for a 10K.
Lacey: Well, think of the extra calorie you'll burn.
Emma: Oh, there you are. I was starting to think you forgot where you lived.
Oscar: Don't you start.
Emma: Start what?
Oscar: Treatin' me like a feeb. Everybody in town thinks I'm an old geezer.
Emma: Uh-huh? Oh, because of the plates.
Oscar: Yes, because of the plates.
Emma: Well, I told ya that would happen. Remember? Or are you drawing a blank? It's me, Emma.
Oscar: Stop it! I'm not handicapped.
Emma: Now you're in denial.
Oscar: That's it. I'm taking back the plates.
Emma: No.
Oscar: Why not?
Emma: Well, you should be thinking about your back. That's what you should be thinking about your bad, bad back.
Oscar: Holy hell! How much did all this cost?
Emma: Oh, Oscar, now you can't even concentrate on one subject at a time. I'm glad you have the plates.
Hank: Oh, Karen, I got somethin' I wanna share with ya, you know, one officer to another.
Lacey: Officer?
Karen: Ah, Hank, no offence. Okay, offence. But you're a crossing guard.
Hank: I know. But that doesn't mean what you do is any less important. I got some license plates of some cars that were speedin' through the school zone.
Lacey: Oh, so now you're a snitch.
Karen: Yeah. That's actually kinda helpful.
Hank: I think the second one's yours.
Karen: I was in a rush. Look, Hank, this is good of you and all, but maybe just stick to what you know best, or at least to being a crossing guard. Police work is for the police. That's why we carry the badges.
Lacey: Where is your badge, anyway?
Karen: I lost my badge.
Brent: You lost a badger?
Karen: My badge. I had it with me when I was running.
Wanda: Losing your badge is pretty serious, isn't it?
Karen: It's not as bad as losing your gun.
Karen: Have you seen my gun? Oh, here it is.
Davis: Good. The only thing worse than losing your gun, losing your badge.
Oscar: I wanna run in this thing with you guys.
Wanda: Okay. But Lacey's kinda slow.
Lacey: I'm faster than a lame old man. Sorry. Just try and keep up, okay?
Karen: What do you want?
Hank: One of my people found it.
Karen: My badge!
Hank: No one needs to know about this. Now, you may not respect me, but I respect me, and I respect you. In fact, I have enough respect to make up for the lack of respect that you don't have for me, respectfully.
Brent: Want some water? It's important to stay hydrated.
Davis: I wonder if she over trained. What do you think, Doc?
Doc Russell: Well, it's a pretty common mistake for beginners.
Lacey: No, I didn't over train. My knee's just sore, that's all.
Doc Russell: I can get you some handicap plates if you want.
Hank: You want to get in? There's no shame in quittin'.
Lacey: Oh, I should quit.
Brent: Good reverse psychology. Hang in there, Lacey. We'll drive alongside and motivate ya.
Davis: You're almost at Main Street. You can do this. We can do this.
Lacey: Thanks, guys.
Brent: Oh, the engine light is on.
Hank: It's all the idling.
Brent: Sorry, Lacey. We gotta go.
Lacey: What? No! Wait! My knee! My knee!
Hank: Hey, slow down.
Brent: Why, what is it?
Hank: Some kids want to cross the street.
Doc Russell: We're in the middle of a race.
Davis: Your jurisdiction, your call.
Hank: Sorry, guys. Stop the car, Brent.
Fitzy Fitzgerald: That took a lot of courage, Oscar.
Alice (Organizer): You're so brave.
Oscar: I'm not courageous. I'm able-bodied.
Fitzy: Ah, that's the spirit.
Oscar: I'm able-bodied.
Lacey: It's okay. Thanks. I'm good.
Brent: Aah! Geez, I love electrolytes!
Karen: I'm sorry I was hard on you. I'm happy to call you a colleague.
Hank: Not after what happened on the run.
Karen: But you stopped for those kids.
Hank: I hesitated. If I was any kinda officer I wouldn't have even flinched. I let the kids down. I can't look myself in the eye anymore and call myself a crossing guard. I'm done.
Karen: Cool. Whatever.
Oscar: See? Finished first in my age group. Now there's no excuse to feel sorry for me.
Brent: When did we need an excuse?
Emma: Get me a soda.
Brent: Why are you so chipper?
Oscar: She's mad at me.
Emma: He returned the special plates.
Brent: Oh. Sorry to hear you've been re-abled.
Emma: I had to park half a block from the Co-Op this morning.
Brent: Well you should join the running group. It makes a difference.
Lacey: Oh, I hate running.
Brent: Well, what about the group?
Lacey: Oh, I quit. And to be honest, the way the others were talkin', I think they're done too.
Karen: Ah, this is great.
Wanda: Yeah, way better without Lacey.
Karen: It's fun to run.
Wanda: You'll have to give us a call next time you're in town and we'll do this again.
Arden: You guys motivate me so much. Did I tell you about the time my tour bus was going to Halifax and...
Karen and Wanda: Yes.
Arden: Okay.